Broken

Writing Prompt: Write about the loneliness that took you by surprise.

I saw this prompt and for some reason it really stuck with me. I haven't written anything in a long time, so I don't quite know why it struck me, but it did. As I started writing though, it took a different direction from what I was expecting so the end product doesn't really follow the prompt. It is generally based on a real event in my life but as my memory is imperfect, there is also an element of fiction. Hopefully it's not too horrible since it has been so long.

She sat by the window, staring absentmindedly into the rain. All around her was sound: music, laughter, idle chatter, the clatter of dishes, the clink of cutlery, the metallic clang of pots and pans. But in her little corner, there was silence; she was alone. There the sound seemed muffled, as though heard from a great distance. She heard it, but it didn't fully register. All around her was the sound of life and happiness and friendship, all sounds that she didn't want to hear because they reminded her of how alone she was.

Her head snapped around as she heard a familiar voice among the clamour of so many that were totally unfamiliar. There he was, just walking in with his roommate and a couple other friends. As if drawn by her gaze, he suddenly looked in her direction. Their eyes met for a brief moment and he seemed to pause, but then he turned and continued on with his friends, getting their food and choosing a booth on the opposite side of the room.

She fought back the tears that threatened to escape and turned to look back out the window. The rain was coming down harder now, mirroring the storm she felt inside. A few weeks ago she had been part of that group, laughing and joking and talking. Even then she'd felt lonely, like she didn't really belong, but at least she could fake it and at least she wasn't totally alone. Not like now. Alone in a crowded room. She scanned the room and realized that she really was the only person sitting alone. That realization was even more depressing.

Slowly getting up, she headed for the exit. She chanced a glance over at his table as she left. Once again their eyes met, but he gave no sign of acknowledgement, displayed no emotion. She felt like in that one moment, his blue eyes pierced her soul, seeing all the pain and confusion and loneliness that she felt. And it was in that moment that she realized he no longer cared. Her pain, her loneliness, they were hers and hers alone to bear. There would be no comforting arms to hold her, no gentle voice telling her that she was beautiful even though she'd never believed it, no soft kiss to remind her that she was loved. She felt her heart shatter with the sound of breaking glass.

Overwhelmed, she turned and half ran out of the building, down the steps into the pouring rain. Tears poured down her face as she broke into a sprint, dashing across the campus. She gasped for air as she ran. Her lungs felt as though they were caught in a vice, slowly suffocating her as she struggled to breathe. Collapsing at last on a bench not far from her dorm, she buried her face in her hands and sobbed brokenly.

Too much, it was too much pain for one person to bear. She wished desperately that someone would see her and ask if she was okay. Just one shred of human kindness to show her that she wasn't alone in the world. But no one came and she despaired.

She sat there till the rain at last began to ease. Dragging herself to her feet, she slowly made her way back to her room. Entering the room, it was immediately apparent that her roommate was out, probably still at dinner. Walking over to her closet, she began to change out of her wet clothes, hanging them up to dry as she did so. She'd hoped that changing would make her feel better, but a chill had set into her bones that refused to leave. Dressed in sweat pants and a hoodie, she at last climbed into bed and curled up into a ball, staring at the wall.

She felt fragmented, no longer whole, broken, perhaps beyond repair. As she lay there she reflected on the fact that she no longer had any friends. Her "friends" were all his friends first and foremost. The few people she'd liked and gotten along with were not the kind of people he liked, and since she wanted to spend time with him, she gave up those people in favor of his group of friends. With over half the semester remaining, she would have to face it alone. She wasn't good at making friends and she was under no illusion that she'd be able to fit in with another group of people.

And so, lying there in her bed, staring at the wall, she carefully gathered up the shards of her broken heart and hid them away where no further damage could be done. She blinked back the tears that threatened once again, and put on what would become one of many masks hiding the pain and loneliness she felt. When her roommate came in an hour later, there was no sign of the broken girl who had so recently occupied the room. Instead there was a girl who smiled and made small talk and seemed for all the world to be perfectly content and happy. With her heart carefully locked away and her pain carefully hidden, she continued on in life, never letting anyone get too close. After all, no one wanted something that was broken.