The Darkness

Darkness. She was intimately familiar with the darkness that lived inside her, that sometimes seemed to inhabit her very soul. Some days she embraced it in all its horror and other days she rejected it with a strength borne of desperation. For years there had been a balance, but a year of changes had upset that very delicate balance and more and more she found herself giving into the darkness.

The darkness was her enemy. No matter how well she knew it of that she was always aware. But the darkness was seductive too and while she was aware of the danger, sometimes she didn't care. Because the darkness promised release, an eventual freedom from pain, freedom from her own mind. And as time continued its inexorable march, that freedom became more and more appealing. And the darkness took advantage of that, sinking its claws into her, infecting her with its poison. Soon it would consume her.

Sleep eluded her that night, her unfocused and scattered mind allowing the darkness to creep in. Carefully, it reached out its tendrils and began to gather those scattered thoughts, twining them together in a way that fit its purpose. Unaware of what the darkness was doing, of why her thoughts had begun to clarify, she found herself thinking back over the day, criticizing her every word and action. Why was it so hard for her keep her mouth shut? Why couldn't she be more competent in her job? Why were words so difficult sometimes? Why was she so useless? Around and around she went, sleep drifting farther and farther away as the darkness weaved its malicious web, drawing her deeper and deeper into its embrace. The internal vitriol she spewed at herself ate away at her, driving her to despair. It took her a long time, too long, to finally sense the web closing in around her mind. She began to fight it but those tendrils of darkness had wormed their way deep into her very being and this night she would not win. When sleep at last claimed her, pulling her free from the darkness and granting her mind the respite it so desperately needed, it found her more fractured than ever, the damage done by the darkness bordering on the irreparable. But there was still a spark of resilience and she had the strength to continue fighting the darkness, at least for a little while.

Darkness Calls

The darkness reached out to her, its dark arms warm and inviting.  She took a stumbling step forward, one arm rising reluctantly from her side to reach for the comfort of those arms.  Her face was a picture torment, torn between desire and defiance.  She stood frozen for a moment, then with a wild cry she pulled away forcing herself to turn her back to the darkness.  Her whole body trembled from the effort of resisting.  How much longer could she hold out?  How much longer before she gave into the darkness's tender embrace?

~~*~~

She lay in her darkened room, clinging to the giant teddy bear that had been a constant comfort to her for the last five years.  Her tears spilled onto the warm fur of his face as her body shook with grief.  Another confrontation with her parents.  What are you going to do with your life?  You can't live here forever.  You need a plan.  You don't do anything to help out around the house.  Why do we have to remind you of everything?  The list of her failures went on and on.  She did her best to hide her pain and frustration.  Didn't they know she despised herself?  That getting through each day without falling to pieces required a herculean effort?  That she found herself so incapable of figuring out her future because she didn't see one for herself?  That she thought herself so worthless that there was no point in even trying?  At times her failure became so overwhelming that she stared at the bottle of sleeping pills on her nightstand or the block of sharp knives sitting on the kitchen counter and wondered how hard it would be to end everything.  No more worries, no nothing.

But there was a spark of life in her yet that stayed her hand.  A faint flicker of hope that fueled the dream of a time when she was successful and independent, somebody worth knowing and caring about.  But as the days slowly passed and she found herself struggling and failing to change anything, that flicker of hope grew dimmer and dimmer as the darkness closed in.  It was only a matter of time before hope was extinguished and she sought the finality of the darkness.