Twilight: Rewritten (Prologue)

I realize it's been month since I've posted anything. Honestly, as much as I've been saving writing prompts on Pinterest and all, I simply haven't had any actual desire to write. However, as I was cleaning out the trunk of my car earlier today, I came across a box of books that had been sitting there for I'm going to say well over a year. They're all books bound for Goodwill, but me being me, I went through to make sure there was nothing that I wanted to keep. Among the various books was the Twilight series, four of the books I hate most. Out of random curiosity and a half-assed desire to try to once again understand why these books are so popular, I flipped through the first one and was once again massively unimpressed. The concept was still spectacularly stupid to me and the writing awful. Not that I can really talk since I can't say if my writing is any better, but then again, nothing I've ever written has gotten on the New York Times Best Seller list. And as most people know the popular Fifty Shades of Grey series originated as a Twilight fanfiction before the names were changed and it was published. Well, flipping through the book, I decided that I wanted to attempt my own "fanfiction" piece, except that I'm not a fan and my idea was rather darker and more in the typical vampire theme. If you've read Twilight, you know it starts with a prologue. Below is my prologue. I'd love some genuine feedback if it sounds interesting and if I should continue. I may continue anyways, but feedback always helps. ;)

Forever. That’s what he’d told me, what he promised me. An eternity together. He wouldn’t lie to me, he couldn't. Why would he when he so clearly loved me; it was in his every look, his every move. It couldn’t all be a lie, could it? I raised my hands to cover my face, to block out the sight before me, and found myself staring at blood, my blood, covering my hands like a scarlet glove. My breath caught in my throat as I stared, my mind struggling to understand all that had transpired within the last hour.

I slowly raised my eyes to his, hoping beyond hope to see even a glimmer of affection. I saw nothing. I looked up into the eyes that had once been so filled with love and finally understood. I had fallen for a monster. I let out a short, hysterical laugh as the pieces slowly fell into place, as I was finally forced to face and accept the inevitable. I was an instrument, his instrument, only wanted and useful until the job was completed. And now, the job was done; I was of no more use to him. A cold smile spread across his lips as he saw the veil lift, as I saw him for who he truly was: a master of manipulation.

I stood up painfully, every inch of my body screaming in protest. His eyes flared with interest, clearly wondering if his prey was going to put up a fight. I, however, had no intention of fighting him, I saw no point in delaying the inevitable. But even as he stalked me, I was once again struck by his beauty, his gracefulness. I was no longer under his spell though and for the first time, I saw just how terrible and dangerous his beauty was. How could I have been so blind? Looking back, it was so easy to see that he was using me. As tears slowly trailed down my cheeks, I turned away from him and pressed my palms against the cool glass of the window. The sun was just beginning to rise over the treetops in all its glory. I drank in the sight for a long moment, thankful that beauty, not darkness would be the last thing I saw. I slowly closed my eyes and waited.

The Last of the Dragon Riders: Chapter 2

I would actually really appreciate some feedback on this chapter as to whether the dialogue is understandable and if it all flows and sounds decent.  So if you have an opinion, please share!

Chapter 2:

Snow

Snow ducked her head against the freezing wind as she struggled with the swinging buckets of water.  Her neck and shoulders ached from carrying countless buckets from the spring to the storehouse.  She let out a sigh of relief as the large building appeared through the trees.  It wasn’t a long walk to and from the spring and storehouse, but the spring was tucked into the woods and walking back to the storehouse with two full buckets was tricky what with trying to avoid any deep patches of snow and fallen trees and branches.

“Coorie up, lassie!”

Snow looked up with dread.  Dranan, the head of the water team, was stalking towards her.  She could tell even from a distance that he was angry.  His eyebrows were bunched together and his face was redder than usual.

“Whit took ye sae lang?” he snapped at her.  “Th’ others ur awreddy dain.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” she apologized.  “This is my last trip.”

“Well, coorie up, Ah dornt hae aw day,” he said, eyeing her disapprovingly.

“Yes, sir,” she said quietly.

Dranan watched her as she shifted the heavy yoke sitting across her thin shoulders and began slowly walking the remaining distance to the storehouse.  He shook his head disgustedly as she struggled up the short hill below the building.  He spat on the ground in annoyance and strode towards the girl who had momentarily paused to rest.

“Gie it haur,” he said impatiently, pulling the yoke from her shoulders with practiced ease and setting it about his own without spilling a single drop.  “Useless lassie, ah dunnae ken wa we keep ye aroond.”

The Last of the Dragon Riders: Chapter 1

Chapter 1:

Autumn

            
The noon sun shone high in the sky, beating down on the tiny village that sprawled up against the great forest.  The heat of the day had driven the villagers inside, seeking relief from the burning rays of the sun.  Well, almost all the villagers.  In the meadow overlooking the village, a lone figure lay stretched out in the grass, soaking in the warmth, savoring the feeling of the sun’s rays on her face.  Autumn stretched out her long legs, enjoying one of the last warm days of the year.  Though the heat made it difficult to believe, winter was fast approaching and it wouldn’t be long before the cold took over.

Autumn opened her eyes and looked up at the sky.  It was an impossible shade of blue today without a single cloud to mar its beauty.  She sighed with contentment.  She loved moments like this when all was still and silent.  Everything seemed so much sharper and clearer during those moments:  the air tasted sweeter, the grass was greener, the ground softer.  A dog barked in the distance, breaking the spell.  Autumn sighed.  Those moments happened far too infrequently in her opinion and to have it disturbed by a dog.  She grumbled slightly as she got to her feet and began dusting off her dress.  The trees rustled as the wind raced through their leaves.  Autumn’s long red hair danced around her face as the wind caught at it.  She smiled.  This wind was playful, mischievous, not cold and cruel like the winds that often blew down from the mountains through the tiny village she called home.

Perfectly Imperfect: Excerpt

Megan looked up at the machine before her, tall, metal, imposing.  It looked alien and it frightened her.  But this was her ticket, her ticket to finally be the person she'd always dreamed of being.  She stretched out a shaking hand and placed it lightly against the cool metal.  Her brow furrowed as an internal war raged.  Doubts, hopes, dreams, fears roiled in her, clashing angrily as she stood motionless.  What if it didn't work?  What if the machine failed and she was left just as she was, an insecure, overweight, unattractive young woman with average intelligence and a screwed up personality.  Or worse, what if the machine only made her glaring faults even more obvious?  She groaned as the battle within her continued.  Her family and friends told her they loved her just as she was, she didn't need to change everything about herself.  But they didn't really know her, they couldn't see the darkness in her heart, the dark and twisted part of herself that she kept carefully hidden.  "Everyone has their secrets," she'd read once.  She hated her secrets, was tired of trying to hide the parts of her herself, of her past that ashamed her.  She could change all that, she could be the good, loving person she'd always wished she could be.  She could be the kind of young woman who made a difference in the world.  She could be confident, could be beautiful, smart, talented instead of the little nothing she was now.  She looked down at herself, at her fat, flabby body that she was so ashamed of and that others made fun of her for.  Hatred welled up inside her.  She hated herself, hated everything she was.  Resolve lit her eyes as she stepped back from the machine and looked at the small group of scientists standing behind her.  "I'm ready," she said.

If you could change yourself, everything about yourself, and become a new person, would you do it?

The Last of the Dragon Riders: Prologue

“Retreat!  Retreat!  All Dragon Riders retreat!”

            The voice could scarcely be heard over the roars of dragons and the screams of their riders.  At the sound of it, however, about a dozen of these dragons turned in their flight and began flying rapidly back toward the base in the distance.  Their enemies pursued them, striving to bring them down as they fled.  One of the retreating dragons faltered slightly as a strong head wind hit it and in a moment the enemy had caught up to it.  The air was filled with screams and roars as the dragon and its rider strove to get away, but the enemy were too many and in moments a sword was plunged through the dragons heart and its rider was snatched up into the gaping maw of one of the dragons.  The disturbance caused the other riders to look back, but there was nothing they could do.  They pushed their mounts to even greater speeds, silently shedding tears for their fallen companions and for the hundreds of others who had died in that accursed war.  They had been so confident of victory in the beginning yet they had not realized how strong their enemy was growing over time.  From the eve of the war over twelve years ago, he had held the upper hand; still, they were hoping they could win.  Now after all this time, they were retreating once again.