A Penny for Grandpa

She looked up at the threatening skies as she exited the building.  It had rained earlier and though it had stopped for now, the skies were still a forbidding shade of dark gray.  She pulled her keys out of her pocket as she walked back to her car, breathing a sigh of relief when she saw that there was no ticket or boot on it.  She'd parked in an area that was technically just for a specific shopping area but since she was running late and she was going right across the street and wasn't expecting to be there for very long, she'd taken the risk.  She fumbled with her keys, trying to find the right one.  Excitement and anticipation made her clumsy as her mind ran over the details of the audition, if you could even call it that.  She'd been the last person to arrive, showing up just a few minutes before 3.  The bonus of being the last person was that she'd been able to talk to several of the people who were helping with the casting as well as the woman who had taken her pictures.  With any luck she'd start getting calls for extra work in movies, tv shows, and commercials.  At least she hoped she would, as long as her weight didn't put them off like it always seemed to.  She slid into her car as she remonstrated herself; it was better to look at the positive side of things rather than the negative.

Her fingers tapped over her phone as she prepared to text her parents that she was heading home.  She paused, finger hovering over the send button.  On the way to the audition she'd seen a sign indicating that the Sante Fe National Cemetery was close by.  She felt a sudden urge to go there.  Her grandfather had been cremated and laid to rest at the cemetery just over three years ago and she'd never been back to visit it, afraid that it would hurt too much.  Fingers rapidly tapped on the phone as she brought up the directions to the cemetery.  It was less than five minutes away.  Determination and resolve took over as she started the car and shifted it into first gear.  She slowly pulled out of the parking lot and back onto the main road.  With the gps on her phone giving her directions she was in sight of the cemetery within minutes.  A lump formed in her throat as she slowly drove through the black gates at the entrance.  Despite only having been there once, she knew exactly where she was going and easily made her way along the winding roads until she arrived at the circle drive at the very back.  She drove around until she reached the end of the second long marble wall where the jars containing the ashes of those who had been cremated were placed.

She slowly stepped out of her car.  The wind whipped her hair about her face as she stared at the long line of names.  She shivered, wrapping her arms around herself as she stood beside her car, working up the courage to begin the walk to her grandfather's plaque.  The memories came to her unbidden, memories of her and her grandfather collecting coins using his metal detector or looking for pennies in parking lots.  Reaching back into her car, she yanked her wallet out of her purse and fumbled it open, searching for a penny.  Digging out the prettiest one she had, she threw the wallet back onto the seat and locked the door.  Moving slowly she began to walk down the path that ran beside the wall.  Flowers, some dead or dying, some fake, lay here and there on the gravel beside the path.  Her eyes scanned the many names, looking for one.  As she walked, memories continued to flood her mind:  her grandfather teaching her to fish, to ride a horse, to shoot a gun, taking her to the park, playing games with her, and then the terrible day he had died, the memorial service that followed, the funeral, and finally saying goodbye again as she stood before the wall filled with pain, sadness, and anger.

Her footsteps faltered when she saw his name.  She took a few more shaky steps and stood before her grandfather's resting place.  With tears in her eyes, she reached out a trembling hand and placed it against the cold marble etched with her grandfather's name, the wars he'd fought in, and the years of his birth and death.  And then as if some internal dam had broken, she doubled over, wracked with sobs.  Tears flowed down her face as she struggled to bring herself back under control, but for the moment, there was no control.  The agony of his death ripped through her as fresh and raw as the day it happened.  "Why, God, why?" she sobbed out brokenly, the question she'd asked over and over again as the years had passed.  She'd never received an answer.

Her sobs slowly quieted as time passed.  At last able to stand up straight she reached into her pocket and pulled out the penny.  "I brought you something," she said quietly as she placed the penny on top of the marble plaque.  "Remember how we used to always look for pennies?"  She ducked her head as tears once again poured down her cheeks.  She let the tears fall as she stood with her hand pressed against the marble, wishing with all her heart that her grandfather would come back.  The words "In Loving Memory" were carved at the very bottom of the plaque.  They seemed too simple, too common, unable to convey all that he had meant to her, all that he still meant to her.  "I miss you," she whispered before turning and hurrying back towards her car.

Back in the warmth and safety of her own vehicle she collapsed upon the steering wheel as fresh sobs racked her body.  If she'd known coming here would be so hard, she'd never have even considered it.  But she hadn't known.  After three years she thought she'd finally started to heal, had started to believe the saying that time heals.  But time had not healed her, not even close.  If anything she felt more fragile than before, as if one more tragedy in her life would shatter her into a million pieces.  She began to take deep breaths, seeking to calm herself down.  Trying to find something positive to focus on, she thought at least now she knew that if she ever wanted to come back, she would have to bring someone with her.

Having at last gotten herself firmly under control, she started her car back up.  She glanced back once more at the long line of plaques and the approximate spot where her grandfather's hung.  A single tear coursed down her cheek.  "I miss you," she whispered again before slowly driving away.